Nightmares
by tootapanga 1
Summary: sometimes jack finds it hard to escape his memories, just a oneshot, looking at jacks diary. a little less bright and happy, but thoughtfull instead. please review.


_A/N this wasn't actually originally a fanfic, it was just a skit from my diary that I wanted to share, and I thought if I changed some names and a few of the circumstances that it would fit, so I hope you enjoy it._

I want it to all just stop, I'm waiting for the other penny to drop, as they say, whether it will be a good or a bad penny I don't know, maybe it will be bad and maybe it will be good. Maybe ill finally crack under the pressure, perhaps ill fall apart completely, I wake up and shake and I can hardly breathe I want to leave it all behind me; I want to forget his beautiful face.

I wonder sometimes, what it is, that makes a person a person?

I really do wish sometimes that I could do more. I wish that I could sleep better too.

I know what my country...my planet asks of me, and I want to do it, but after you make certain mistakes it all seems pointless anyway. When you've done everything you're not supposed to, it doesn't seem to matter, nothing holds relevance anymore.

I wasn't trying to be rebellious; perhaps General Hammond can see that at least. I had my reasons, it seems every time we make a little progress, it all starts again.

Maybe it's some sort of subconscious maochaisym, and then there are times when I wonder if I can stop it at all.

It's stupid and I know it, I do smile, at least allot more than I used to, I'm content with my life… happy even, it's just my sleep at night that bothers me now. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what it is.

I know why I'm always cold, why I always check the baseball scores, even though I spend most of my time on planets that have never played it. Why I stand sobbing some days to the bathroom tiles, why the possibility of time travel is my favorite idea, why I have a glove on my mantle that is only ever touched one day of the year. It's why I sleep with the light on, like a child and why I still wake up screaming.

I always wake up like that, pushing people away, even when I want them close. It's taken me years not to flinch at the touch of a friend, and not to cry when certain songs are played...

I'm so tired and I feel physically sick, I need sleep, but I'm too afraid to close my eyes.

I used to like the dark, but not so much now... after you spend to much time in it you begin to loathe it, I suppose that's just a normal reaction.

I suppose that's what happens when your family is torn from you, I was young once, I did what we all did in those days, I grew up, went to school, played baseball on weekends, as I got older got a part time job, went to college, and military school… then things changed, you wake up one day and realize that you're an adult, and Its why I sleep with the light on, like a child and why I still wake up screaming.

I always wake up like that, pushing people away, even when I want them close. It's taken me years not to flinch at the touch of a friend, and not to cry when certain songs are played...

I'm so tired and I feel physically sick, I need sleep, but I'm too afraid to close my eyes.

I used to like the dark, but not so much now... after you spend to much time in it you begin to loathe it, I suppose that's just a normal reaction.

I suppose that's what happens when your family is torn from you, I was young once, I did what we all did in those days, I grew up, went to school, played baseball on weekends, as I got older got a part time job, went to college, and military school… then things changed, you wake up one day and realize that you're an adult, and you get married, and it's not until you hold your own son that you realize that your life hadn't even began. And he smiles for the first time, and he says his first word and takes his first step, and you know only then that when he's crying and he asks for you, and you look at him and you realize that you'd never felt love anything quite like this before, and you think you might just drop dead of a heart attack right there and die with happiness. And you make a silent promise to yourself and to him, that no matter what, you'll always, support him, and be there when he's sad, and love him, and help him and protect him…

But you don't, one day because you were stupid and irresponsible; he picks up your gun and shoots himself. And you know it's your fault, how could you ever forget, you see it everytime you close your eyes. And after you've held him, and buried him, you realize that his blood is still on you, that it will never come of, and thought you try to wash it away, it just spreads and bleeds more in the hot water, you shower 5 times a day and it's not nearly enough to make you clean.

You lose your temper every other day, you find new ways to hurt yourself in the oldest fashion, you find that you're interested in the color of your skin, after you beat yourself up both mentally and physically you realize that the only color of the rainbow that doesn't come in a bruise is green, at least your skins tanned again, there was a time where it was just grey, and a little black under your eyes, there's color now, color and life, maybe that's the problem.

Your teams got to you though, but inside your cold and dead, no matter how close you sit to the fire.

You know coming back, to be like a normal human… mortality for lack of a better word is a dream, it all seems painful and invasive. The team is good for you, they care, they're one nice tight nit little family, well they are and they try hard to make you feel a part of it, and they understand, they're not sure what they know but they know, and somehow amongst the mess in your head you find some sort of equality and semblance. Fighting and shooting helps, you kind of like the disharmony and messiness of it.

Maybe when you spill enough blood, it will all become one and you won't remember it so strongly.

You know there are times when you shouldn't be out there, you freeze, and then when you move its with such strength and agility and passion that there are no boundaries, and you turn from protector into psycho, and amongst the scuffle someone or something is hurt, and that's your fault to, because you should've been there to protect them too.

Blood never seems so precious until it's not your own, until it belongs to someone you love.

And you didn't think you could find it in yourself to love anymore, but somehow you did and you do, this team is your family and you'd give your life just to see each of them unharmed and safe and happy.

And it seems no matter how many walls you build in your mind, someone tears them down, and you hide it, hide the hurt with sarcastic remarks, and pretend it doesn't all hurt, but it does.

And only when you go home do you sit and cry, and let the pain rip through you, and you drink and you want so badly for someone to just come and play catch with you, just because that was Charlie's favorite, and you want so badly for his name to be more than just a whisper on their lips, you wish they could know and love him like you did, , but instead you take deep breaths and try to sleep, and somewhere along the line you find some perverted kind of normalcy, but then you close your eyes to sleep and it all comes back.

That's when its worse at night, there's a new life, one that haunts you in your dreams, these frightful memories and demonds search for you, and you push and you pull, and it all hurts, your head aches and your heart aches and you just want it to stop.

Maybe I could shoot myself, or get shot… it'd be symbolic of course, the bullet ripping me apart just as my pain does… but then I remember, that I have to live another day, they're my reason, my family they care.. And they think they need me, and so I smile and joke and pretend I'm ok.

I wish there was an easy way to just stop, id do that if I could….

One day I will.

One day ill just stop.

But not today.

_A/N. please please review, I really want to know what you think. :D I know it's a little on the darker side not at all like my usual stuff, but everybody has these days, or nights don't they. Anyways, like I said. Reviews are great._


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